Mar 23

Mar 23 Mountain Hardwear Absolute Zero Parka (2021)

Mountain Hardwear Absolute Zero Parka (2021)

Leviathan is not the biggest fish. This is.

Mountain Hardwear Absolute Zero Parka (2020)

Type: Parka / Use: Active / Face: Nylon / Insulation: Down

Technologies: 800-fill hydrophobic Allied Down, Pertex 30-denier

The Absolute Zero is an 8000m alpine climbing parka. At 3 pounds and $900, it is gear par excellence - the kind of overbuilt parka that mountaineers bet their lives on. But it’s also, stealthily, one of the better-looking winter jackets out there.

Since the folks at Mountain Hardwear were nice enough to send one over, I got a chance to review it.

You can probably guess where this is going.

First things first, let’s start with the tech.

In the past, this blog has lamented the homogeneity of down jackets. At an atomic level, the Absolute Zero is indeed a giant nylon stack stuffed with feathers. But the nylon is different. The feathers are different. And the way this one is stuffed ain’t no Thanksgiving turkey.

Mountain Hardwear’s hardiest is filled with over a pound of 800-fill, water-repellent goose down. If moisture got through from the outside, the feathers wouldn’t collapse quite like your garden variety down. Too bad for the coating, however - a tightly-woven nylon face fabric and a welded baffle construction ensure no water is getting in. A 30-denier Pertex polyethylene covers the sleeves and hem in abrasion-resistant armor.

In summary: it’s extreme. Take an Alpha SV, stuff it with two Infinity Lights, and you’ve got the Zero.

How does it wear?

How do you think it wears?

Function-wise, the Absolute Zero is so stupidly, incredibly, overbearingly warm that it’s almost gone all the way into everyday utility.

One of my biggest issues with super-plush expedition parkas like the Fjallraven Expedition and TNF Himalayan is their sweat factor. They’re super warm, yes. But they’re not incendiary enough to not bring a layer when things get really frosty. You can either be cold with just your jacket on (and comfortable inside), or sweaty every time your day involves tight spaces or stairs.

The Absolute Zero solves this perspiration paradox. It’s just that fucking toasty.

Heaps of down and a taut, dynamic fit make the Zero instant comfort, no matter the temp. This is a rescue blanket as a parka; Luke’s tantuan, hold the guts. When it slips below 30° F, this is my “errands” coat. Keep the t-shirt. Keep the sweats. Just throw this on over, and tout est permis. What a bathrobe is to inside, this is to outside. When I had to buy groceries in a blizzard, I zipped up the Zero and went.

That said, this thing is chunky. At over 24” across and 4” of loft, wearing this in grocery aisles will cause a squeeze. It’s either a convenient social distancing metric or prop comedy waiting to happen. Word of advice: don’t wear it to a liquor store.

But who cares? That’s right on track for a biggun. The real functional highlight here is the 8000m-specific features. For starters, everything is adjustable, and the adjustments actually work. On the off-chance some cold gets in, you can pull a giant cinch wherever you feel chill and any exposure gets Zero’d. The AZ also carries some serious cargo space. Its eight exterior pockets are all big, weatherproof, and glove-friendly.

There’s also a Velcro square on each arm. In case your trip to the bodega becomes an expedition.

The funniest part of the Absolute Zero to me is that its felt wear is more limber than most “expedition-inspired” parkas like the Canada Goose Expedition. It weighs less, coming in at a hair under 3lbs vs. the CG’s 4.5lbs. It also has a bit of “float” to its movement. Instead of sitting on you like body armor, the Zero moves as you move.

Which makes sense. Since, ya know, it’s for athletic shit. And not just wearing around.

… or is it?

What a segue.

Style-wise, the Absolute Zero is just perfect. Michael Fassbender as Magneto meme perfect.

There’s a popular school of thought in fashion today where “form follows function” means “inert.” Features are minimized if not removed. Colors are washed out if not banished. In technical wear, this school of thought is expressed almost to the exclusion of all others. I love what Arc’teryx, Lululemon, Outlier, and Mission Workshop do. But there’s that whole “spice of life” bit missing sometimes.

Here - in an insane, Juggernaut-sized, mixed-media megapuff - is the dissent.

And it works! Holy shit, it works!

My immediate impression trying it on was “cyberpunk samurai armor.” The tasteful patchwork of grid-pattern polyethylene and loamy “dark storm” nylon shell crackles to life with contrast details on arms and chest. While its size could ruin the effect, the thoughtful proportions of individual panels make what could easily be a maelstrom into The Wedding Feast at Cana.The kabuto-style hood flaps certainly don’t shy away from the muscular, even feudal, look.

And if you’re up for the insanity it offers, the Absolute Zero will reward you.

Because it dominates outfits, it matches outfits. In its neutral (but far from lifeless) tones, the AZero can commandeer just about anything and take it into #OvGORPdrive. My favorite outfits with it almost just ignored that I was lugging an Everest parka. Salomon sneakers, Uniqlo U chinos, a Tracksmith Henley… and the end of the fucking world(if-you’re-a-snowflake).

It looks awesome, it’s versatile, and it’s fun to wear. Not super scientific. But hey, I just work here.

So why don’t I wear it more?

Shockingly, it’s mostly because it just doesn’t get cold enough at sea level in New York to validate it. I wore it all over town during a cold snap in February. But even in a 30° F December wind, the Zero was too much unless I had just a tee on.

Equally “too much” was the sheer intensity of the energy this thing gives off. As much as I can rag on the techno-minimalist school of clothing design described earlier, it’s just more… social. Call it a quirk of culture or some deeper semiotics, but an $800 GORE Pro hardshell is closer to our map of “raincoat” than this $900 parka is to our map of “puffer.” This is not at all a knock on the jacket - frankly, it wasn’t meant for coffee runs. However, showing up places looking like you just climbed off a Portaledge takes a certain comfort with either the audience or yourself.

I felt like a complete asshole grabbing dollar slice in this thing, and it stuck with me ever since.

Overall, the Mountain Hardwear Absolute Zero is an INSANE performance parka with INSANE performance details.

Even more INSANE, it’s surprisingly wearable!

At $900, the Absolute Zero is in proper competition with “luxury outdoors” coats from the likes of Goose, Moncler, and Woolrich. Those, you’ll probably wear more, and to be honest, they’ll work about the same. But if you love the style of the Zero - if you saw it on an IG Story once and like me, dropped an audible “holy shit” in an empty room - then get it. It’s an iconic piece with unmatched functionality and a style all its own.

You could also get it if you’re climbing 8000m peaks. If you are, and you read this whole review hoping for insight: I’m so, so, sorry. Here? It’s mostly memes.